Original: Man's best friend
Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn’t touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him. Bartender: “Hey pal, is something wrong?” The Guy: “Yeah, I’m really depressed” Bartender: “Why, what’s the matter?” The Guy: “I caught my wife in [...]
суббота, 31 января 2009 г.
пятница, 30 января 2009 г.
Best bar in the world
Original: Best bar in the world
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Scotsman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another [...]
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Scotsman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another [...]
четверг, 29 января 2009 г.
Sharing Hotel Rooms
Original: Sharing Hotel Rooms
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.” “Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. [...]
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.” “Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. [...]
вторник, 27 января 2009 г.
7 Shots of Vodka
Original: 7 Shots of Vodka
Man goes to the bar and says “bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka.” The bartender says “Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that.” The man says “Just pour them.” The man takes the first shot and the bartender says “Hey, you want to talk about it”? The man says “No!” and drinks the [...]
Man goes to the bar and says “bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka.” The bartender says “Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that.” The man says “Just pour them.” The man takes the first shot and the bartender says “Hey, you want to talk about it”? The man says “No!” and drinks the [...]
понедельник, 26 января 2009 г.
The 12 marriages
Original: The 12 marriages
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, “Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.” This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that [...]
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, “Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.” This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that [...]
воскресенье, 25 января 2009 г.
Signs that you may be a drunk
Original: Signs that you may be a drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think [...]
You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think [...]
пятница, 23 января 2009 г.
17 Things NOT to say to a Cop
Original: 17 Things NOT to say to a Cop
1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in. 3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!! 5. Excuse me. Is “stick up” hyphenated? 6. I thought you had [...]
1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in. 3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!! 5. Excuse me. Is “stick up” hyphenated? 6. I thought you had [...]
четверг, 22 января 2009 г.
AMERICA: Passing the Blame
Original: AMERICA: Passing the Blame
We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here’s a small list… If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she’s holding in her lap while driving, she blames the [...]
We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here’s a small list… If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she’s holding in her lap while driving, she blames the [...]
среда, 21 января 2009 г.
14 Lawyer Quick Jokes
Original: 14 Lawyer Quick Jokes
Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service! What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die ! What’s the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the [...]
Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service! What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die ! What’s the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the [...]
понедельник, 19 января 2009 г.
воскресенье, 18 января 2009 г.
New Excuse
Original: New Excuse
A man got a new Ferrari for his birthday and went to test drive it on the highway. As he was driving he wondered how fast it could go, but before he could get very far he heard sirens. He sped up thinking he could outrun the cop, but then he came to his senses [...]
A man got a new Ferrari for his birthday and went to test drive it on the highway. As he was driving he wondered how fast it could go, but before he could get very far he heard sirens. He sped up thinking he could outrun the cop, but then he came to his senses [...]
суббота, 17 января 2009 г.
25 Phrases Men Can’t Stand to Hear Women Say
Original: 25 Phrases Men Can't Stand to Hear Women Say
It's yours. It's not yours. Whose underwear are these? My eyes are up here. You are holding the ruler backwards. I'm not exactly 18. My husband is home! You brother is better. Your sister is better. These stitches aren't from an appendix removal. Can we talk for a minute? When did you get in last night? When did you get in this morning? Why do you smell like [...]
It's yours. It's not yours. Whose underwear are these? My eyes are up here. You are holding the ruler backwards. I'm not exactly 18. My husband is home! You brother is better. Your sister is better. These stitches aren't from an appendix removal. Can we talk for a minute? When did you get in last night? When did you get in this morning? Why do you smell like [...]
пятница, 16 января 2009 г.
What Would You Like To Hear When You Are In A Casket ?
Original: What Would You Like To Hear When You Are In A Casket ?
Three friends die in a car accident, and upon their arrival to heaven, they are all asked, “When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” The first man says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a [...]
Three friends die in a car accident, and upon their arrival to heaven, they are all asked, “When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” The first man says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a [...]
четверг, 15 января 2009 г.
The Coke Machine
Original: The Coke Machine
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics [...]
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics [...]
среда, 14 января 2009 г.
A-Z Funny Bumper Sticker Quotes
Original: A-Z Funny Bumper Sticker Quotes
0-60 in 15 minutes! 100% Irony Free 100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest? 186,000 Miles/Second: It’s Not Just A Good Idea, It’s The Law! 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t. 7 days with out Jesus makes one weak A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. A church alive is worth the surprise!! A [...]
0-60 in 15 minutes! 100% Irony Free 100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest? 186,000 Miles/Second: It’s Not Just A Good Idea, It’s The Law! 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t. 7 days with out Jesus makes one weak A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. A church alive is worth the surprise!! A [...]
вторник, 13 января 2009 г.
100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate
Original: 100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate
1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. 2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your [...]
1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. 2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your [...]
воскресенье, 11 января 2009 г.
You Can’t Make An Alcoholic Quit Drinking
Original: You Can't Make An Alcoholic Quit Drinking
This guy went into the bar Friday night and ordered three beers. In fact, every Friday night he went into the bar and ordered three beers and drank them all by himself. Three beers…every Friday night. Not 2. Never 4. Always 3. Well, the bartender couldn’t figure this out. Without fail this guy always came in. The [...]
This guy went into the bar Friday night and ordered three beers. In fact, every Friday night he went into the bar and ordered three beers and drank them all by himself. Three beers…every Friday night. Not 2. Never 4. Always 3. Well, the bartender couldn’t figure this out. Without fail this guy always came in. The [...]
суббота, 10 января 2009 г.
40 Things You’d Love To Say Out Loud At Work
Original: 40 Things You'd Love To Say Out Loud At Work
1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit. 2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I’m really easy to get along [...]
1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit. 2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I’m really easy to get along [...]
пятница, 9 января 2009 г.
40 Reasons To Never Leave The House
Original: 40 Reasons To Never Leave The House
1. Too much sun will give you skin cancer. 2. Going out would require wearing shoes, clothes, etc. 3. An icicle might fall on your head. Those things have been known to kill, you know. 4. You have to stay home and answer the phone. What if you get a call from one of those radio contests, or something? 5. You heard that there’s [...]
1. Too much sun will give you skin cancer. 2. Going out would require wearing shoes, clothes, etc. 3. An icicle might fall on your head. Those things have been known to kill, you know. 4. You have to stay home and answer the phone. What if you get a call from one of those radio contests, or something? 5. You heard that there’s [...]
четверг, 8 января 2009 г.
Swimming Competition
Original: Swimming Competition
Three women competed in the recent Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim. The brunette came in first, with the redhead a close second. Much later, the blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, “I don’t want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their [...]
Three women competed in the recent Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim. The brunette came in first, with the redhead a close second. Much later, the blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, “I don’t want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their [...]
среда, 7 января 2009 г.
What Do You Expect From A Blonde Kidnapper ?
Original: What Do You Expect From A Blonde Kidnapper ?
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. “I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in [...]
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. “I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in [...]
вторник, 6 января 2009 г.
Weird American Laws
Original: Weird American Laws
Alabama In jasper, it is illigal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb. It is illigal to play Dominos on Sunday. It is illigal top wear a dake moustache that causes laughter in church. Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death. Alaska In Fairbanks, it is [...]
Alabama In jasper, it is illigal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb. It is illigal to play Dominos on Sunday. It is illigal top wear a dake moustache that causes laughter in church. Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death. Alaska In Fairbanks, it is [...]
понедельник, 5 января 2009 г.
10 Ways to Make Your Neighbor Move
Original: 10 Ways to Make Your Neighbor Move
Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don’t have a phone. Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, “I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!”. Then point at each one and declare them good [...]
Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don’t have a phone. Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, “I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!”. Then point at each one and declare them good [...]
воскресенье, 4 января 2009 г.
Choices, choices
Original: Choices, choices
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking. Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat. Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped drinking. Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill [...]
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking. Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat. Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped drinking. Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill [...]
суббота, 3 января 2009 г.
Legally Blonde
Original: Legally Blonde
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in [...]
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in [...]
пятница, 2 января 2009 г.
CIA test
Original: CIA test
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists……two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will [...]
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists……two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will [...]
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