Original: Drug Trial
A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. The defense attorney asked, “Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?” “No sir,” answered the man. “Did you ever get any from his wife?” “No sir.” “Did you ever get any from his daughters?” “Uh–excuse me sir,” the witness [...]
воскресенье, 30 ноября 2008 г.
суббота, 29 ноября 2008 г.
Applicants For Mars Trip
Original: Applicants For Mars Trip
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.” The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. [...]
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.” The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. [...]
пятница, 28 ноября 2008 г.
Funny Church Bulletins
Original: Funny Church Bulletins
The following are the announcements that actually appeared in various church bulletins around the world. If you think deeply you will see the humor. Don’t let worry kill you — let the church help. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. There are some questions that can’t be answered by Google. Remember in prayer the many [...]
The following are the announcements that actually appeared in various church bulletins around the world. If you think deeply you will see the humor. Don’t let worry kill you — let the church help. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. There are some questions that can’t be answered by Google. Remember in prayer the many [...]
среда, 26 ноября 2008 г.
вторник, 25 ноября 2008 г.
What Am I Doing?
Original: What Am I Doing?
The brash young gynecologist, fresh out of medical school, took one look at his voluptuous new patient and abandoned his professional ethics entirely. As he stroked the supple skin of her naked body, he asked, “Do you understand what I am doing?” “Yes,” the patient answered. “You’re checking for dermatological abrasions. “Correct,” the doctor lied. Next, he fondled her [...]
The brash young gynecologist, fresh out of medical school, took one look at his voluptuous new patient and abandoned his professional ethics entirely. As he stroked the supple skin of her naked body, he asked, “Do you understand what I am doing?” “Yes,” the patient answered. “You’re checking for dermatological abrasions. “Correct,” the doctor lied. Next, he fondled her [...]
понедельник, 24 ноября 2008 г.
Confession
Original: Confession
Lisa was on her deathbed, with her husband John at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. “John,” she said quietly. “Hush,” he quickly interrupted, “don’t talk.” But she insisted. “John,” she said in her tired voice. “I have to talk. I must confess.” “There is [...]
Lisa was on her deathbed, with her husband John at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. “John,” she said quietly. “Hush,” he quickly interrupted, “don’t talk.” But she insisted. “John,” she said in her tired voice. “I have to talk. I must confess.” “There is [...]
воскресенье, 23 ноября 2008 г.
Blonde at the Casino
Original: Blonde at the Casino
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude. With that, she stripped from the [...]
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude. With that, she stripped from the [...]
суббота, 22 ноября 2008 г.
Funny Answering Machine Messages
Original: Funny Answering Machine Messages
Hi. Now you say something. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t [...]
Hi. Now you say something. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t [...]
пятница, 21 ноября 2008 г.
Doctor’s Diagnosis
Original: Doctor's Diagnosis
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will lose his will to live and surely die.” 1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. 2. [...]
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will lose his will to live and surely die.” 1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. 2. [...]
четверг, 20 ноября 2008 г.
Good News - Bad News
Original: Good News - Bad News
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now we’ve caught you and we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we’re going to use your skins to build [...]
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now we’ve caught you and we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we’re going to use your skins to build [...]
среда, 19 ноября 2008 г.
Get me a Beer
Original: Get me a Beer
Keith comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.” The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another beer and [...]
Keith comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.” The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another beer and [...]
вторник, 18 ноября 2008 г.
The New BMW
Original: The New BMW
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. “Officer, look what they’ve done to my new BMW!!!”, [...]
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. “Officer, look what they’ve done to my new BMW!!!”, [...]
понедельник, 17 ноября 2008 г.
Military Courage
Original: Military Courage
Army, Air Force, and Marine Generals were standing in front of a rappelling tower with a Navy Admiral. The Air Force General says to the others, “My men are the most courageous of the Armed Forces.” “Ha!” said Army, “My men are the most courageous and I’ll prove it.” Army calls a Private over from the tower. [...]
Army, Air Force, and Marine Generals were standing in front of a rappelling tower with a Navy Admiral. The Air Force General says to the others, “My men are the most courageous of the Armed Forces.” “Ha!” said Army, “My men are the most courageous and I’ll prove it.” Army calls a Private over from the tower. [...]
воскресенье, 16 ноября 2008 г.
Football Try-Outs
Original: Football Try-Outs
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. “Can you tackle?” asked the coach. “Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. “Wow,” said the coach. “I’m impressed. Can you run?” “Of course I can run,” said the freshman. He was off like a [...]
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. “Can you tackle?” asked the coach. “Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. “Wow,” said the coach. “I’m impressed. Can you run?” “Of course I can run,” said the freshman. He was off like a [...]
Romantic 1st lines - Deadly 2nd lines
Original: Romantic 1st lines - Deadly 2nd lines
A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line… but the least romantic second line. I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, [...]
A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line… but the least romantic second line. I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, [...]
пятница, 14 ноября 2008 г.
The Genie
Original: The Genie
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, “Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don’t knock out any windows. It’ll cost us a fortune to fix.” The wife teed up and shanked it right through the [...]
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, “Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don’t knock out any windows. It’ll cost us a fortune to fix.” The wife teed up and shanked it right through the [...]
четверг, 13 ноября 2008 г.
Easy Money
Original: Easy Money
This woman had just gotten out of the shower when her husband went in. Suddenly the door bell rang, so she put on a towel and went downstairs. When she opened the door it was the next-door neighbor Rob. “I’ll give you $500 if you’ll drop the towel,” Rob said. So she dropped the towel, grabbed the $500, then [...]
This woman had just gotten out of the shower when her husband went in. Suddenly the door bell rang, so she put on a towel and went downstairs. When she opened the door it was the next-door neighbor Rob. “I’ll give you $500 if you’ll drop the towel,” Rob said. So she dropped the towel, grabbed the $500, then [...]
среда, 12 ноября 2008 г.
Deadly shot
Original: Deadly shot
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What [...]
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What [...]
вторник, 11 ноября 2008 г.
Smart kid
Original: Smart kid
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Is your Daddy home?” he asked. “Yes,” whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” To the surprise of the boss, the [...]
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Is your Daddy home?” he asked. “Yes,” whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” To the surprise of the boss, the [...]
One Line Jokes
Original: One Line Jokes
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but [...]
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but [...]
понедельник, 10 ноября 2008 г.
Aliens are Sneaky
Original: Aliens are Sneaky
An alien walks into a bar and sits next to a drunk guy and begins poking him in the shoulder. The drunk guy just ignores him. After a wile the guy turns to the alien and begins looking him up and down. He notices that the alien has no genitalia. He then asks “You guys have no genitalia, how [...]
An alien walks into a bar and sits next to a drunk guy and begins poking him in the shoulder. The drunk guy just ignores him. After a wile the guy turns to the alien and begins looking him up and down. He notices that the alien has no genitalia. He then asks “You guys have no genitalia, how [...]
воскресенье, 9 ноября 2008 г.
Funny Chinese Proverbs
Original: Funny Chinese Proverbs
Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good run [...]
Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good run [...]
Some Funny Laws
Original: Some Funny Laws
Funny ….but how true !!!! O’brien’s Variation Law: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. Cannon’s Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre. Kovac’s Conundrum: When [...]
Funny ….but how true !!!! O’brien’s Variation Law: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. Cannon’s Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre. Kovac’s Conundrum: When [...]
пятница, 7 ноября 2008 г.
25 signs that you have grown up
Original: 25 signs that you have grown up
Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 6:00AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. You watch the Weather Channel. Your friends marry and [...]
Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 6:00AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. You watch the Weather Channel. Your friends marry and [...]
четверг, 6 ноября 2008 г.
Crazy facts
Original: Crazy facts
The average bed is home to over 6 billion dust mites. Just twenty seconds worth of fuel remained when Apollo 11’s lunar module landed on the moon. Ten tons of space dust falls on the Earth every day. Every year the sun loses 360 million tons. If you attempted to count to stars in a galaxy at a rate [...]
The average bed is home to over 6 billion dust mites. Just twenty seconds worth of fuel remained when Apollo 11’s lunar module landed on the moon. Ten tons of space dust falls on the Earth every day. Every year the sun loses 360 million tons. If you attempted to count to stars in a galaxy at a rate [...]
Long happy life
Original: Long happy life
A passer-by noticed an old lady sitting on her front step: “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret for such a long, happy life?” “I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day”, she said. “Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle [...]
A passer-by noticed an old lady sitting on her front step: “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret for such a long, happy life?” “I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day”, she said. “Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle [...]
среда, 5 ноября 2008 г.
Winter blonde
Original: Winter blonde
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says “Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.” The trucker ignores her and proceeds [...]
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says “Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.” The trucker ignores her and proceeds [...]
вторник, 4 ноября 2008 г.
The blind man and his dog
Original: The blind man and his dog
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns [...]
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns [...]
понедельник, 3 ноября 2008 г.
Sarah Palin Got Pranked
Original: Sarah Palin Got Pranked
A Quebec comedy duo notorious for prank calls to celebrities and heads of state has reached Sarah Palin, convincing the Republican vice-presidential nominee she was speaking with French President Nicolas Sarkozy.
A Quebec comedy duo notorious for prank calls to celebrities and heads of state has reached Sarah Palin, convincing the Republican vice-presidential nominee she was speaking with French President Nicolas Sarkozy.
Why it’s better to be a guy
Original: Why it's better to be a guy
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to [...]
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to [...]
воскресенье, 2 ноября 2008 г.
Student Report Cards
Original: Student Report Cards
These are real comments made by teachers on their student report cards. 1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy. 4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 5. Your son sets low [...]
These are real comments made by teachers on their student report cards. 1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy. 4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 5. Your son sets low [...]
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